I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I wanna be friends with this person
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
A friend sent me this.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band