[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.