Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
FINE, I WON’T.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.