My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle