[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
A drum solo but on your face.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable