“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My work here is done
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Stop sending me this shit.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*