[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
That’s classic.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.