KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming