This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.