Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.