i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
😩😩😩
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Never ghost your hitman.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Worst bar ever.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition