I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
yall want some gasoline milk
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
hackers play passwordle
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
How to make infinite energy.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”