Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
You Might Also Like
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO