me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?