Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
two people or more is called a problem
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.