Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?