Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok