If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
😜
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems