Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.