A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’d … I’d rather not.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.