There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums