[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way