Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
You Might Also Like
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley