[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
January is lasting longer than my marriage
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.