I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Someone just threatened to call me later
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
new shirt idea
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.