Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The Assassin.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
We found love in a hopeless place.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions