Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.