*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
This could be us, but you weedin’.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
50 shades of grey = my Liver
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
twitter is a journey