Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You Might Also Like
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.