[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
You Might Also Like
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”