5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times