the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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I’m going to need a moment here.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The options really are this bad
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!