Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
(2022)
Body by Oreos
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*