I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Sunday
Who.
Did.
This?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.