New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The pen is writier than the sword.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*