One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!