me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.