My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Life hack
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)