Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You Might Also Like
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???