Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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My husband knew I鈥檇 never wear slippers because that鈥檚 where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you鈥檙e not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won鈥檛 need any of you anymore
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90鈥檚
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: 鈥hy didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah鈥 wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you鈥檙e sure it鈥檚 a check made out to you.