non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
So creative 😂
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa