I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Great game to play with friends
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*