One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…