– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Haha good job!!
Happy Star Wars day!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
A new level of troll.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.