*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
It be like that sometimes 😆
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?