Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Y’all ready for this
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.