Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what