me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Just me?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath