the greatest twitter interaction
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)