Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The morning after pill, but for tweets
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news